Better Than I know Myself
by FlaredSight
Summary: We all know Hidan can be a bit...psychotic. I wante to see how it'd affect his relationship with Shikamaru. All in Hidan's POV.The song is "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert. Characters c Masashi Kishimmoto.


_**Cold as ice  
And more bitter than a December  
Winter night  
That's how I treated you**_

The year was drawing to close, and around this time, the weather was a constant sheer cold. It reminded me of Shikamaru, and possibly of how he felt. There was no warmth between us, nothing was truly comforting. The atmosphere of our relationship depended solely on the mood I was currently in. And knowing me, my moods were anything but predictable.

_**And I know that I  
I sometimes tend to lose my temper  
And I cross the line  
Yeah that's the truth**_

Earlier today, back at my boyfriend's apartment, we had just been relaxing in his living room. It was really warm and comfortable until, this rather familiar and unbearable feeling swept over me. My muscles tensed and untensed as I glared up at Shikamaru. He probably felt pretty uncomfortable under my ravenous expression, as he couldn't concentrate on the book he'd been reading and squirmed about restlessly. By now we were both quite familiarized with this doom infested mood, this malicious atmosphere.

"Oi, Shikamaru." He cringed at the wicked tone in my voice. That was good, for me at least. I like him scared. At least, when I'm in this state of mind anyway.

"Um…s-sure Hidan." He said, placing the marker in his book and setting it aside on the coffee table. He walked around it, and stood in front of me. He seemed disturbed by the way his face slightly fell at the smirk that played on my face. It was okay, he'd get over it. I pulled him down into a rough kiss.

_**I know it gets hard sometimes  
But I could never  
Leave your side  
No matter what I say**_

I always had to wonder how Shikamaru could always put up with me. It's certainly not because he has too. He could easily kick me out, or even move away and not leave behind a hint of his new location. At many times in the beginning of our relationship, I thought it'd be over as quickly as it started. Especially when he had finally seen the real me. But I felt so damn right around him, and it felt even better when he still hugged me. But I needed more of him. So much more._  
_

_**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,  
But I really need you near me to  
Keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself**_

But I try. It wouldn't be fair if you said I didn't. I try my best not to push Shikamaru into anything he's simply not ready for. It gets harder and harder to ignore my sudden urges. I just wish he'd stop flinching every time I tried to show any innocent affection. Maybe abruptly pinning him against something was not the best way to go about it. But who cares? He's actually staying with me. He knows and accepts me. The _real_ me. That's more than I could say for anyone else. It may not seem like it sometimes, but I really do love that man. But lately, he seems to doubt it. Who could blame him? The way I abuse him, anyone else would say I hated him.

_**All along  
I tried to pretend it didn't matter  
If I was alone  
But deep down I know  
If you were gone  
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn  
Cause I'm lost without you.**_

I swear,whenever he's not around I just need to go stab something, or let alcohol drown out all the anxiety. Just the thought of Shikamaru never coming back just makes me want to...ugh! Just. Gotta. Ignore it. The overwhelming feelings go away eventually, but not entirely, as it'll be back to haunt me. When he had eventually come to terms with the causes of my frequently increasing poor decisions, I was thrilled when he started spending more time with me.

_**I know it gets hard sometimes  
But I could never  
Leave your side  
No matter what I say**_

The attention was great! I lost my sense of place though, as when I had first thought I owned Shikamaru, I felt like a lost puppy begging for attention from its master. So maybe he actually owned me, at least when we weren't doing anything too explicit. But as time went on and my lust for Shikamaru got stronger, he began to grow distant. I wanted to stop, I really did. And this pain in my chest grew more and more severe the more he begged me to stop. But that was the only way I knew how to express my love. So I had made a decision, I even told him about it.

"Shika, what we've got going on here, isn't working like I think it should." Well how do relationships that don't include a sadomasochistic boyfriend work out? "But that's alright with me. I see now that that's the way it's gotta be if we want to stay together. You do love me, right Shika?" I asked him. I was trying to be honest with him. I hoped he'd appreciate it, too. Because I could just go the easy way out and lie, making him believing things could get better between us.

"Yes, I really do love you Hidan." He said, a light pink tinting his cheeks. I walked over and pulled him into an embrace. I smiled when he didn't flinch away or show the slightest bit of hesitation as he slid his arms around my neck.

"I love you, too, Shika. And you know what, I'm glad," I said, slipping my hand under his shirt. I ghosted a finger over his spine. "Because there'd be no point in going on if there weren't any love involved. So promise me, no matter how difficult it gets, you'll put up with me." I said looking him in the eye, stopping my motions all together so he could think straight.

"I-I promise Hidan. I'll always be here with you. No matter what the circumstance." He said. It seemed more like he was trying to assure himself more than he tried to persuade me. But I believed him. I smirked as I continued my actions over my lover's skin. When I began to pull at the hem of his pants, he threw his head back.

"Hidan~" I smiled at his need for me. It actually felt good to be needed and there for someone. Shikamaru should feel amazing in the coming future. Because I'm a damn needy person.

"Shh…just relax." I cooed. I love how much he trusts me. Maybe a little too much. But hey, he agreed to this. He knows and accepts what he's gotten himself into. Heh, and he's supposed to be smart.

_**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,  
But I really need you near me to  
Keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself**_

Despite the fact Shikamaru couldn't stand anything too troublesome, he kept his promise, just as I knew he would. And I knew damn well I was a piece of work. I'd often wake him up in the middle of the night screaming. He'd have to stay home all day with me, just to make sure I wouldn't accidently slit my wrists deep enough to cause any major damage. He'd even come stay up all night with me whenever I started crying. He didn't even seem bothered by it, either. So how come every morning when I wake up, I expect to find him gone? It was scary to think about any new emotions I might experience if that happened, or allowed a situation like that to dig up old emotions I buried for a reason. So rather than even stress about it, I decided to just relax and enjoy Shikamaru's satisfying, yet possibly limited company. His presence always makes me feel better for some reason. I just don't know what would happen if he ever left.

_**I get kind of dark  
Let it go too far  
I can be obnoxious at times  
But try and see my heart  
Cause I need you need now  
So don't let me down  
You're the only thing in this world I would die without**_

Why is it that I always realize my actions are wrong long after they happen? He wasn't ready, but I kept forcing him to go farther than he wanted.

"H-Hidan…no…please stop." He pleaded trying to push me away. I smirked at his fear. It only brought me more pleasure. And I was really craving some Shikamaru at the time. Shikamaru was my drug. I just couldn't get enough.

"Sorry…I love ya too much to stop now." I said smirking mischievously.

"Hidaaaaaaaan!" He screamed as I harshly thrust into him. It was music to my ears, but the memory was the saddest song I've ever heard. When I was about to apologize to him, I stopped myself. What's the point if I know for a fact I'm gonna do it again? I crossed the line with him and was stupid enough to think apologizing would make it alright. But he sees it in me that I really do love him. I just suck at showing it. He sees that if he leaves me, it just may be the end of me. I think we both realize just how much I grasp on to him. But I think I'm grasping on to his neck, constantly yet unintentionally suffocating him. Yet he stays. He puts up with it out of genuine love…and I thought I was the masochist.

_**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,  
But I really need you near me to  
Keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself**_

When I__woke up a few hours later, the first thing I noticed was the lack of Shikamaru in the bed next to me. I stood with no coordination in my step, but caught myself on the nearby wall. When I walked out into the living room, the atmosphere became a cold and depressing. I could barely see Shikamaru sitting on the couch looking forlorn.

"Sh-Shika?" I tried, taking a few weighted steps toward the younger man. He didn't give an immediate response, but eventually looked up to me. His eyes were empty, emotionless. As if disgusted by my sight he dropped his eyes back to the floor. "Wh-what's wrong?" Well that was a stupid question. After what I'd just done, it's obvious that my actions lead to this. He's broken and empty. I've felt that way many times over, but Shikamaru isn't the kind of person that can really take it well.

His head shot up and angry eyes met worried ones. He stood and gritted his teeth.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is that I can't take this anymore. You don't know when to stop! You've really crossed the line this time. I can't really recall a time when you've shown me you can take a simple scenario and chosen the right decision over wrong!" He grasped the handle of a suitcase he must've packed earlier while I was still asleep.

"W-where are you going?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly.

"Hidan," he said softly, walking over and placing a gentle hand behind my neck. He put his forehead to my chest and sighed. "I'm not angry. I'm just fed up. I really do love you Hidan, and that will never change. You've grown on to me. But the way you treat me, it's hard to say the same for you." My eyes went wide at his confession. I knew his would be coming. So why did it hit me a thousand times harder?

"How could you doubt that! I tell you that I love every five minutes, I thought it was clear." I yelled, trying to hold everything in.

"After things you do to me I always have to wonder am I your boyfriend or your play toy? Seriously."

"Shikamaru, you _promised_. If you leave…I don't know what'll happen."

"I don't know when I'll be back, but I hope to assume you can handle yourself for a few days." He said walking to the door.

"No…" I said in a low growl. He stopped with his hand on the knob.

"What was that?" he said in a flat tone.

"You're NOT leaving me!" I screamed and flung him into the wall.

_**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,  
But I really need you near me to  
Keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself**_

__"Ow, Hidan, what do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"I think I'm keeping us together, Shika. Permanently." I said in what seemed to be the scariest tone I've used before. I walked into the kitchen and started going through the draws until I found a nicely sized knife. When I walked back out, Shikamaru backed into a corner and shot worried glances between my eyes and the knife.

"Hidan, what are you doing?" He gasped, finally catching his breath.

"I told you already, I'm keeping us together."

"What do you mean by that?" I took painfully slow steps towards the cowering man; he only pressed his back harder against the wall, hoping somehow the wall would push back even farther. But it didn't, so I closed in, placing an arm to the side of his head, knife poised to his chest. "H-H-H-Hidan! Stop! What are you trying to accomplish!" I could hear his heat throbbing against his chest and growled.

"I'm going to kill you, and then myself. That way, we'll always be together. I told you, you're never leaving me." I said.

"Hidan…please, don't." He pleaded, obviously on the verge of hyperventilation.

"Shh…I'll make it quick, the sooner we can spend forever together." I cooed, pressing my lips gently to his. He flung himself on me, much to my surprise seeming he wasn't very likely to comply a few seconds ago.

"Only if you promise the pain will go away." I smirked and pushed the blade into my lover's chest. He hissed at the pain as blood flowed from the wound to my bloodied hands. I lowered him gently to the floor and caressed his face in my hand, staining his cheeks.

"I promise to bring you pleasure, Shika, I love you so much." I said barely above a whisper, giving him one last kiss as I watched him fade away. He had a slight smile on his face.

"I love you, too, Hidan. Please hurry." He said with a dying breath.

"I will." And with that, I eagerly plunged the knife through my chest, lay down next to Shikamaru's limp body, and grasped his hand with as much strength I could muster. "Wait for me Shika..." I had to smile a bit, as now, I am finally at peace.


End file.
